Welcome to Cebu

Mabuhay!

And welcome to my Blog!

As you might have guessed from the title, I have slipped away from my native green and pleasant shores into the heart of sub tropical Asia. I'm going to go well beyond the typical puff piece travel guides you'll find on the net, with my mission, to report back to you on what life is really like living in some of Asia's most populous, diverse or visit worthy cities.

This continent, its people and its culture have long held a fascination to me, and as I travel around and experience life here, I'm going to help you see it through my curious, open minded but slightly irreverent eyes. If you, or anyone you know, has any interest in traveling here - follow me - and get the chance to try before you buy....

Accommodation

If you are looking to spend more than a few weeks or so here you're going to want to rent - it's considerably cheaper than hotels or pensiones. You'll find some property on the net, but mostly it will just pay you to walk around a sub-division or two in an area you like and look at all the 'for rent' ads posted in the windows of available houses and apartments. Then when you find something nice that's in your budget - haggle hard! Or better still, get a local to do it for you so you don't pay the dreaded 'foreigner supplement!"

I found – after some on the ground research – a very inexpensive townhouse in a “reasonably” up-market area which is gated and has a 24 hour guard.

Home Sweet Home

Mind you, if you're a foreigner, they just wave you past security anyway (which pretty much seems to work everywhere here) because foreigners always seem to get prioritized.

But not always in a good way.

Taxis

About 75% of the taxi’s you try and get here will want to rip you off, as soon as they catch sight of that shiny foreign skin. The most common way is to jack the meter, and lately, I’ve been in taxis where the meter runs faster than an MP trying to withdraw his expenses claim before the Telegraph goes to press. Another I rode in seemed to be able to make it jump a few pesos just by sounding his horn, and needless to say, he managed to find a couple of hundred reasons to do just that even on a semi deserted stretch of road.

Taxis here are mostly rented by anyone who can pony up the cash – usually for a period of 24 hours straight. The cars vary hugely from a few newish Toyota imports, to run down and clapped out - to the downright dangerous – and by that I mean bald tyres, worn brakes and a virtually shot chassis. Vehicles and emissions tests don't seem to trouble anyone here.

A motorised tricyle. The cheapest way from A to B in relative discomfort.

Once you have been picked up, they will drive you to your destination like they are about to miss the imminent arrival of their first born son, weaving insanely through crowded streets teeming with people, motorcyles, tricycles (motorised bikes with a sidecar that seem to carry about 10 people) and assorted mangy looking animals. If there are motoring laws here all taxi drivers seem to be exempt - or at least, they act like they are.

The other main way you’ll get ripped off is by them not putting on the meter and instead charging a 'special' fare though some of them reluctantly will but then ask for a ‘supplement.’ Not of course, because you are a foreigner, oh no, but because wherever you you are asking to be taken, is “a longer distance than I normally travel.” The poor lambs. I now delight in asking them to immediately stop when they land this on me, because “I couldn’t possibly ask them to go out of their way,” said of course, with all the sincerity of an MP making a donation to his local church's collection plate.

A Cebu Taxi. Approach with caution.

This drives them nuts, because once you get in, they flag the 30 pesos (about 40P) starter fare, which naturally, having only gone a few yards, I don’t pay. These crooks, shysters and speed freaks (that's the taxi drivers – not our beloved MP’s) seem to be the main cause of complaint by visiting foreigners, but if you end up getting one of these, you might actually have cause to think yourself lucky.

Because there is another type of driver you can get. The one that is at the fag end of his 24 hour shift, and who, to try and stay awake, has decided to take some Shabu. Not to be confused with the cute but captive Orlando attraction, Shabu is a cheap, but widely available Methamphetamine, which induces insomnia in those that take it. Much like a large amount of vodka and red bull (but without the vodka) it enables them to do ridiculously long shifts of work without rest or sleep.

I have been driven by one of these guys, late at night, who hammered through every red light at such speed that I thought it would be the last journey I ever made. A white knuckle 5 minutes felt like 5 hours, but since then I have wised up and look very carefully for the tell tale 'highly agitated' driver symptoms before I get in a car at night. If you're coming here, I strongly suggest you do the same.

Bugs

Let me confess now - I hate them. Even if they are "environmentally friendly," and part of the "circle of life," they don’t have any business on my turf - wherever that happens to be. So when I see one, I don't think 'eco-Disney,' I think 'Terminator' and I know that death (that's theirs - not mine) must swiftly follow.

The other night, I came downstairs to the kitchen, when this giant cockroach (ok – it was about 3 inches – but believe me when you're half asleep at 1am that’s big enough) scuttled across the kitchen floor towards my prized western food stash to no doubt do some filthy cockroach business with my Asda veggie burger mix. The flag of St George was immediately raised and a powerful jet of 'Baygon's' sweet chemical cocktail was slavered all over its scaly body.

I love the smell of Baygon in the Morning

I stood over it, fully expecting him to flip on his back and do that 'feet pedaling the invisible exercise bike' thing that insects tend to do when they are getting the last rites. But this little git decided that despite being about 1/2500th of my size, he still had one more trick up his unsanitary sleeve.

And I watched in creeping disbelief as two evil looking scaly wings sprouted from his back,and in an instant, it took flight, and went all 9/11 on me.

Realizing this was an east/west fight to the death, and with the outcome far from certain, I decided to kick it old school and grabbed my second weapon of choice, the 'native' kitchen broom. Poisonous chemicals are all well and good and have won my affection and respect, but there are times when you need to have something solid and tangible in your hand to do a proper manly job.

Want one of these dive bombing your face? Me neither.

St George had his dragon slaying sword, and now, I had my fluffy filipino broom. In my state of heightened alert and with righteous vengeance my God given right, it would soon become a potent weapon.

Hell hath no fury as a fluffy broom wielding white man

I battered the invader as hard as you can with a slightly fluffy object, crashing its brittle body against the blue washed walls of the open plan lounge and whilst in a state of shock (that's the bug not me), was able to open the kitchen door and hurl it outside to take its chances on the street. I hoped it died quickly, but more than that, I hoped it had learned a LESSON. If you present a clear and present danger a hungry veggies food supply, you sign your own death warrant. Or so I thought.

The following night, with my food safe and secure, I woke up around 1am from a rather disturbing dream. I don’t know what made me do it, but I decided to open the bedroom door to do a perimeter check, and there, just inches from gaining 'illegal entry,' was a large black cockroach. It was lying on its back, its feet peddling the air, and as I watched its jerky movements, I knew that it was mocking me.

Big mistake.

As it began to flip itself over, no doubt to invoke a full kamikaze style aerial attack, I grabbed my bedroom torch, and brought the butt end of the cool aluminum casing down on its body with such force that its antennas and clawed legs separated themselves from its body and shot about 2 feet clear across the floor. This time, I thought, he definitely wouldn’t be coming back. I considered threading his claw and antenna into nice warrior necklace, but in the end, cleaned them up and binned them with the rest of its mangled torso.

I have no idea if this was the same cockroach I had done battle with earlier, or if it was just a friend or relative, but either way I learned that night that war with the insect world - when it comes - and oh yes, it's coming - needs to be swift, brutal and merciless. I guess I would have made a lousy Buddhist.

Although I successfully found a place that was free of my other arch enemy, the testosterone fuelled fighting cockerel, about a week after I moved in, the neighbour directly opposite went out and bought one. I caught him showing it off to an adjacent friend, and in this highly competitive country, that meant that he had to get one too. I’m not sure what time zone they are on, but dawn seems to strike around 1.30am for these ungodly birds and one always seems to set off the other. Whilst it's early days, I’m sure there are lots of ways an ‘accident’ can befall our feathered friends, leaving no trace of the assailant. Only time, and some serious google research will tell.

Marks ‘Laws of Inverse Proportionality’

Here’s some other observations I have made in the past two weeks.

· The older and fatter the foreigner, the younger and slimmer will be his Filipina girlfriend

Finding local lady love at Ayala Mall

· The taller the foreigner, the shorter his lady love


· The more Catholic paraphernalia displayed in the taxi, the less likely you are to get an 'honest' meter


· The more expensive the restaurant, the worse the food will be


· The grottier the mall, the better the foreign exchange rate you will get

Only in the Philippines.

Food

Of course – its not all bad here. OK, the food is not great, but there is one very good Thai resto called Krua Thai at Paedo Mall (actually its called Marina Mall – but you get the idea of the kind of people that seem to frequent it) which serves a very good meal indeed – in fact I’ve been there 3 times already, as everywhere else the food is just a bit bland. They go all out for style, but then forget the substance. And no, I don't want to hear about this weeks fricking 'specials' and when I order fish and chips, I want FRIES not fricking crisps. Fish and crisps??? What kind of cruel and unusual cookbook did that abomination come from???

In the land where M&S baked beans are £1.15 a tin (a price you’ll be very happy to pay I can tell you) getting good western food, especially if you are not a flesh eater can be very very tough. Thank God I brought my own, and that the Brit spotting customs officer was too busy gloating over the Pacquiao/Hatton fight to inspect my case for its Asda based booty. Ha! Hatton was just a stooge customs boy!

I’ve noticed that most resto’s here seem to employ 'cooks' or 'preparers' rather than chefs. If you ask them in any way, to vary the dish, you’ll generally draw a blank. This puzzled me, until I peeped into the kitchen of the up-market Pizza Hut Bistro (its like Pizza Hut but posh – not sure if it will come to the UK) where I noticed they were using these colour coded laminated flip cards with step by step instructions on how to make each dish. McDonalds would be proud. Or litigious.

Of course, you can get excellent food in the upscale hotels, though I am trying to live on a much more modest budget, but to be honest, I miss my mothers Saturday breakfast more than a man of 47 should.

But on the plus side…

Of course – it’s not all doom and gloom here! Lots of things are very cheap and I got a new pair of two month disposable soft contact lenses for £9 including the solutions and case. The only drawback is that as someone with ‘smaller than average' eyes it took me about 20 minutes to get the stupid things in. Wish me luck getting them out again!

And of course, the Spa’s here are most excellent. I have discovered a new love of Sauna’s – provided of course I can have one to myself. I found a very good ‘buy 5 get one free’ package where I paid for 5 sauna/shower/one hour aromatherapy body massages at 2000 pesos and so get a sixth one free, which means you get each one only costs £4.40 for around 2 hours of very relaxing pleasantness. I did however, manage a bit of a faux pas when I rejected their highly regarded blind male masseuse so they had to taxi a lady in from another branch. Preferring a lady rather than a chap to oil my British buns in a country saturated with gay men might prove challenging, not that I am suggesting that the blind guy was gay. But even so.

The only downside to the Sauna is that they put the temperature gauge on the outside, so while you are in semi naked situ, happily ladling the water on the hot rocks, you might not realize that the reason you’re having breathing difficulties is that the temperature is now 85 degrees centigrade. And that's the kind of heat that only a cockroach, camel or MP waiting for his expenses can survive in.

This week I’ll be starting my new gym regime to further hone those bug killing muscles and hopefully I’ll get a chance to re-watch the rather fabulous ‘300’ to get my warrior of St Sparta George juices fully flowing.

The Soto Grande Hotel, Mactan.

I've found a very good - and cheap gym at the Soto Grande Hotel - next door to the Alta Vista Golf and Country Club in Mactan.

The Gym at the Soto Grande - good, cheap - and no long term commitment!

It's very well equipped, has a friendly gym manager in the form of Roan and is full of brand new barely used equipment. NIce. Membership here is just 1000 PHP a month - around £13 - and that includes use of the rather nice infinity pool overlooking the South China Sea at the back of the club.

You can get gym membership elsewhere for as little as 400 pesos a month, but you'll get a less foreigner friendly un-airconed muscle building joint for that money, so for me, the Soto Grande is a bit of a bargain.

And finally…

Marks Movie Guide - the more I sleep, the less I like

Star Trek (2009) -kept me awake 75% of the time. Spock pulls Uhura. Kirk goes empty handed. Say what???

Terminator Salvation – slept through 40% of this one despite its uber violence, the law of diminishing returns surely applies here. Bring back the Governator!

Until next time - bugs and cabbies permitting.